Poor FBI

I saw the picture above in the news today and just couldn’t help but laugh. As I sit here in SF contemplating my new job opportunities, I must admit that I’ve given a spit second thought to the NSA, CIA and FBI due to international experience and language abilities.

However, in light of current events I nixed the first two because they seem,, well,, evil. But one long standing excellent government department has always been the dependable FBI who seem like the good guys. These guys are the ones who stop the Mafia, catch the “real” bad guys and make life good here in America.

However, this picture obviously does not help their recruiting efforts. When one thinks of the above agencies, you are thinking James Bond, Mission Impossible, infiltrating the bad peoples’ hideouts like ninjas descending from above to karate kick those bad guys to hell. Unfortunately, this image destroyed all of that for me. It seems these dudes resemble Chris Farley more than a weapon of destruction. They look not only like they couldn’t run a mile, but to make matters worse, they are wearing Mission Impossible sunglasses!!! And beyond that, the one on the right is wearing a Lance Armstrong bracelet that sports people are supposed to wear!!! AND the one bending over has a FRIGGIN FANNY PACK ON!!!! You SIMPLY CANNOT BE COOL AND WEAR A FANNY PACK!!!!

The CIA and NSA may be evil but at least they can get away with their malicious deeds with an image of authority! A while back there was a picture of an NSA guard on duty who was fit, wore a black cap, sunglasses, and scarf over the lower half of his face which did make him look like a super-killer ninja! It made me feel like he must be thinking “Yes, we are going to listen to all of your communications and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it or I will infiltrate your house in the darkness of night with my super stealth, tie you up and drop you from a plane in Siberia!!!”

Also, one would think that should the news agencies even THINK about printing such an unflattering picture of their agencies such as the one above, the NSA would put the photographer in some secret prison in Eastern Europe approximately 2 seconds after the picture was snapped, and the CIA would hit their buildings with their deadly drones.

But don’t worry FBI. Perhaps this event where you are actually taking action against the “real” bad people will overshadow the fact that your agents look like Homer Simpson on a treadmill. In my mind you are still an upstanding agency and an excellent American tradition.

But just in case my house is ever raided by the authorities, I sincerely hope it’s by the FBI because all I have to do is simply run for half a block until I’ve made my escape.
Ok, that was mean. I still really do like the FBI and trust you guys and should you be hiring guys that weigh less than 200lbs please look me up.

Your friend and physically fit countryman,


By Mateo de Colón

Global Citizen! こんにちは!僕の名前はマットです. Es decir soy Mateo. Aussi, je m'appelle Mathieu. Likes: Languages, Cultures, Computers, History, being Alive! \(^.^)/