I read this book because Christina Applegate was a small part of my childhood. The first and only ‘girly poster’ I bought was of her and I can still remember my dad bringing my uncle to my room to see it and both of them laughing. I placed her poster on my closet door that slid behind another door should someone come that might make fun. It was never really necessary to slide her away though since all my friends rather enjoyed looking.
Back then, she was the beautiful Kelly Bundy to me. Like most shows in the late ’80s, early ’90s I never made it a point to watch a TV show consistently since streaming didn’t exist. Instead I’d just flip to the channels and stop on whatever looked interesting. I must have seen only 10 episodes of Married with Children.
She was among two or three other beautiful famous girls I had crushes on. One was Jennifer Capriati the tennis player. The other I can remember her in a bikini on the hood of a car from a teen magazine I had but I cannot recall her name! She quickly became forgotten in the early 1990s and asking AI didn’t help at all. It’s not the usual suspects: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Gellar, etc. There is another one and not being able to remember is going to drive me crazy. Something to work on, a rediscovery of a memory of the past.
The only other two times I remember seeing Christina Applegate outside of Married with Children was in the movie “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead.” In the book she doesn’t say much about the movie other than it became rather quotable and I do remember a quote we loved as young teen boys.
“The dishes are done man.”
It is when instead of washing their dishes they take them outside and skeet shoot them. I don’t remember anything about the movie other than that quote and how ridiculously, stupidly funny we thought it was when we were 13 years old.
The third place I remember seeing Christina was when she was on SNL and the motivational speaker skit with Chris Farley who we all loved. Here is what she says:
“I got to host SNL twice. The first time, way back in 1993, at the height of Married… with Children, I was lucky enough to be in a sketch during which the incredible Chris Farley debuted perhaps his most famous character, the motivational speaker Matt Foley, who lived in his van, “down by the river.” The character has long since passed into the folklore of the show, not to mention into American comedy history, and it was an extraordinary privilege to be brought so close to pure comic genius as Matt Foley debuted in the world. The way Chris planted his legs wide, continually twisting his not inconsiderable weight from side to side and forward and backward; played with a belt he could barely find; and delivered his lines with an almost manic verbal energy—it was everything a very young David Spade and I could do to not completely lose it.
If you watch closely, Spade starts to crack almost immediately, and I try to hide my laughter behind my hair, which was conveniently falling across my face. Even my hair couldn’t save me when “Matt Foley” says, “I am thirty-five years old, I am divorced, and I live… in a van, down by the river.” That was it—I brought my left hand up to my face in a vain attempt to stifle my giggles. By the time Chris is telling Phil Hartman he wishes he could shut his “big yapper,” followed by further unsuccessful attempts to pull his pants up higher, David and I were done. I think David had given up trying to not laugh out loud. I was still playing with my hair and trying to hide my face, and though I was supposed to be scowling the way Kelly Bundy might, it was impossible. Chris was now towering over me, and I was proud that I was able to tell him, without entirely breaking, that I too wanted to live in a van down by the river.
I thought I’d gotten away with it. But then Farley started to swing those big arms, and once again David and I were toast. It didn’t help that we hadn’t been told that Chris was about to dive full length into the coffee table, smashing it to pieces.
The sketch aired on May 8, 1993.
I rarely watched SNL since I just couldn’t stay up that late. I do remember loving it when I did watch, which was usually at a friends house. Sleep would be very hard to fight off but we loved watching Sandler, Farley, Schneider, Spade and so on do those skits. “Bye bye.”
Those are the three places I remember Christina from my childhood. She is six years older than me and I remain shocked to see how much older we’ve become and how sad it is to see her with MS. I still remember the exact moment I knew I was no longer ‘young’ and that was seeing Alicia Silverstone in some movie as a MOM! Alicia was another one we all thought was gorgeous and I still remember the rumor (not true) that she was studying at Penn State University. I was at Ohio State but had a friend at PSU and sometimes thought how great it would be to run into her when visiting my buddy.
As for the book, I enjoyed the peek into a world which I’ll never be apart of and from many of her descriptions am glad I was not. Hollywood seems to be just a whirlwind of money, drugs, sex out of which come ‘entertainment,’ that society places too much importance on. I would have liked to visit that infamous Viper Room just one time though. I watched a Netflix documentary on it but alas, that isn’t something for a boy from Columbus, Ohio.
*Note: My comments on the Viper Room make me think of the Weezer song “Beverley Hills.”
The truth is
I don’t stand a chance
It’s something that you’re born into
And I just don’t belong
I’m learning just how many famous people today had famous parents. Apparently for so many, Hollywood fame really is something you’re born into. It was for Christina although for all she has been through, I’m very grateful to have had a normal childhood in Columbus, Ohio.
I remember a priest telling me that the Hollywood crowd was so “self rewarding,” and how eye opening that simple statement was to me. How high we elevate entertainers, those that sing, dance and pretend to be something they are not. Yes, movies can effect change and many have important messages but the vast majority is junk if we’re honest with ourselves. But alas, we all want to be entertained and recently we seem to want to elect them to power such as with Raegan and Trump. Life is hard and these entertainers provide an important escape from reality. But in the end, they perform the same service that jesters performed for the king. We can appreciate their art when deserving but I still find it strange how high they are elevated in society.
Anyway, Christina, a name she hates to be called, had a hard life and I give her all the credit in the world for writing this book. She is honest and genuine which seems to be the opposite of what Hollywood people usually are. However, her crass humor is a bit much for me and I did cringe when she mentioned her and Cameron Diaz singing Tales of Taboo – Karen Finley. I did listen to it and as she stated, it is the most inappropriate song I’ve ever heard in my life. I just don’t find that sort of thing funny anymore.
I hate having to tell people that that’s who I am, but when you call me Christina Applegate, you don’t fully understand the kind of onus that puts on me. Christina Applegate is a character, a person who was beholden to people and production companies and everything and everyone else in this town. And she was someone I never was. When I hear that name, I catch my breath, and yet I also don’t want the world to fully know who I am either. I suppose this book is a small step to showing you all who I really am. Actually, a big step.
This is a famous person thing. Something I don’t think us non-famous people can ever really understand.
I am not that person that I played, that Christina Applegate from the TV or the movies. I was scrappier, more profane, more romantic, a woman who wrote poetry and desperately wanted to be loved for who she was.
They speed away like a douchebag in a Tesla truck.
Ha, love that we’re in agreement that those that drive Tesla trucks are dochebags.
All in this was a very good read and I got through it in about a week. I feel very sorry for her and all that she went / and is going through. Kiki, you were a small part of my childhood and I’ll always be grateful for that. I’ll put out good thoughts into the universe for you and wish, that by some miracle you could get well again.
