It is 6:20am on Saturday. The fog has not lifted for three days and remains especially thick this morning. Perhaps it is revenge for me telling everyone how little fog Linda Mar receives.
I just woke up from a very strange dream. I was still living in San Francisco but was single and still living in my old apartment. In this dream it was not the “real” San Francisco but a dark and sinister one, a distorted place yet not a nightmare. I would be giving up my apartment in 3 days and the feelings of regret, of not wanting to move on were very intense. I wanted to keep my apartment but there was no way to stop the process. I also wanted to grab one last drink but the two friends (specific people from my youth) that I asked were too busy and that made me very sad.
Interpretations? Well, I was not single while I lived in an apartment in San Francisco so that is wrong right off the bat. I do miss the convenience of the apartment right near Union Square but I think I miss the experiences I had there moreso than the apartment itself. These experiences would include a bottle of wine on a cool San Francisco night where I can hear the revelry occurring on the street below while watching the fog roll in and listening to Tony Bennett. The city always seemed most magical at night, so full of possibilities, so lively yet comfortable, manageable, home.
I believe it was the feelings created by these experiences that were manifesting themselves in my desire to not leave my apartment. My awake mind does not miss the apartment very much so the emotions in my dream must have bubbled up from my subconscious.
As for the friends I think there is a more clear correlation. At almost 36 years of age I find that many of the better friends of my youth have turned out to not be able to go the distance and remain good friends. These are people I have reached out to on rare trips back home but they are “too busy.” These are also people I have called and left many messages for but never receive a reply.
I read a nice quote by a Chinese historical figure that said that the excuse of being “too busy” to meet a friend just means that the friend is “not important enough.” I really enjoy the direct and blunt observations of Chinese thinkers. This observation in particular is right on the money.
When these old friends of mine treat me this way it does bother me a little, but only a little. I think of my actions when a friend (no matter how distant) comes into town. I understand the value of friendship and will do everything in my power to spend as much time as possible with them or at least meet up for a beer. I cannot understand why some of my previous “friends” do not do this for me. But as I mentioned it only bothers me a little because through all of my travels I have made many great friends who are of very great quality: smart, worldly, generous etc. I realized that I did not need to hold on to “friends” who turned out to barely meet the definition of “friend” over the long or even short term.
Furthermore, through traveling my own confidence grew and I came to no longer need friends supporting my sense of worth or to define myself. I could now do that on my own and became very strong mentally. Thus many of the “friends” of my youth are now downgraded to the status of acquaintance in my mind. I still reach out from time to time but they will never be valuable, as they once were, again. It is unfortunate for them because I can see their error and it is not only me they treat this way. The only person they maintain ties to is their spouse and if this relationship does not last then they will suddenly find they have no friends at all.
This is quite clearly the case my subconscious was reminding me of last night. In my awake mind I can now recall many friends who would be more than eager to go for a drink with me.
Switching gears I am determined to write more often in this blog. I mentally castigate myself for not having written more over the years especially since I am now almost 36 years old. It is time to write more and these writings are for me.
It does not concern me how many actually read this and I do quite enjoy that this blog happens to be rather slow. The important point for me is to record my own thoughts in a piece of software that I know well which is WordPress and to maintain physical control of the hardware on which it resides. That others can also read my thoughts is a side note.
In fact, that others can read almost acts as a deterrent. Do communities, religions, ideologies actually repress our ability to think freely? There are expectations in each of these things therefore, how can one be truly free when they have to abide by these expectations? They cannot. Since others can read this blog I do have a voice in the back of my mind reminding me of the parameters which I should stay in to keep within various expectations. This voice has actually been a very big deterrent to my writing. It is time to kill that voice, remove myself from any external expectations and just let my thoughts flow through my fingers onto the screen.